you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
