Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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