listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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