Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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