From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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