I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
