I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
