just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
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I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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