Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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