There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
