there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
