party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
