We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
