There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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