he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
