Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
