She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
