Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
