1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
