this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
