Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
