This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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