I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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