Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
