John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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