guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
