brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
