so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
