i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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