dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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