I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
