When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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