sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
