I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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