my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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