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i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
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