Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.