I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
