either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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