I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
