she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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