I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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