He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
