the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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