I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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