My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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