Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
