I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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