actually, I'm a sock model
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm both gender and math confused
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
