I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
