Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
