Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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