She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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