Don't make out with my wife yet
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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