Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
