So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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