Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
