Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
