I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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