I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
