U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
